The Daily PersianAdar 5778

Titillating news from the palace! The official spokesman for King Ahasuerus has reluctantly confirmed that the rumours are true: Queen Vashti has banished her king from the harem after learning of his ill-conceived affair with long-time harem manager Asha Farouz. The official also confirmed that Ms. Farouz is pregnant with the king’s child. Speculation has raged that King Ahasuerus facilitated Ms. Farouz’s recent transfer to the harem of the chief finance minister Haman. Were there such a thing as a corruption inquiry here in Shushan, one would surely be launched. Sources close to Ms. Farouz have revealed that the king has cut off the affair with her after learning of the pregnancy and so has ended any possibility for her little bundle of joy to make a claim on the throne. Shushan is abuzz with the anticipation that the king will soon be back on the market again.

These last months have not been easy ones for the king. His poll numbers have plummeted after the news broke of what is now commonly known as Shushangate. Shushan residents were appalled to learn that he had thrown a six month-long party that was so extravagant that it consumed the entire education, health, and infrastructure budget for the year. What really rankled the good citizens of Shushan was that they were not invited. Concerns were in no way eased when a shadowy benefactor named Haman the Agagite suddenly appeared to offer a loan on very reasonable terms. He insisted that the king present him with the plum appointment of the finance ministry as a token of the kings’ appreciation for Haman’s generosity. Many Shushan residents regard him with suspicion and worry that he’s up to no good. All of these various news items have been greeted with a sense of resignation by the good people of Shushan, who realise that they have little alternative other than to tolerate the king’s eccentricities.

There is no need to speculate about what has happened to Queen Vashti. Although she is clearly the victim in this unhappy affair, the king’s law is the law. She was told to clear out her desk and tossed out without getting to take any of her gowns. She has also signed a non-disclosure settlement with the king, and so this reporter sadly is unable to report on further details. Plans are just now taking shape for the king to search up a replacement. More news as this story develops!